Am I the only person who feels that adapting Stephanie Meyer’s not exactly stellar novels to the big screen actually makes them bearable? Not to mention helps you understand exactly what all the fuss is about. When stripped of Meyer’s atrocious writing, one is actually able to, you know, enjoy what is going on behind it all. The plot is worth finding out and you don’t feel constantly attacked by such prose as, “I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face”, talk about a turn off.
Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are back as the most depressing and rock faced couple you’ll meet this side of Neo and Trinity, along with Jacob the *spoiler for those living in a cave without a TV* Werewolf who obviously serves one purpose in the movie, bet you can guess what it is. Luckily for those think Pattinson died in Harry Potter and should have stayed there, he leaves about twenty minutes into the proceedings, leaving Bella to pout and mope to her hearts content in the months that follow, also leaving the door open for Jacob to step in and make her day, working as an interesting love interest as well as creating quite the supernatural love triangle that begs one simple question, why go back to sparkles?
I guess it’s a testament to either the actors or the characters or the material they are working with that they are actually able to keep your attention. I’m not sure about the actors since there is not really much acting here as reciting of lines that might be painful to listen if we weren’t paying attention to the plot, which you think would be slower then it actually is, but no. Instead you get a good looking film that actually manages to gather your interest from plot point to plot point, removing bits of what made the first Twilight (2008) so flawed, or at least making them not as glaringly noticeable; remember tree climbing and vampire baseball scenes? Unfortunately the rest of us do too.
Really my main problems with New Moon are more issues that can’t be solved by adapting the novels to the screen and are really just nitpicking's from someone who truly does not understand. Why the hell does Edward sparkle? Vampires don’t sparkle, they fizzle, and by fizzle I mean into flames, dust and ashes. What is this bull where the vampire walks into the sun and all you get is SPARKLE! Oh my god, so great! Another issue, and this could be counted as a spoiler I guess, is why does Bella go back to Edward after getting a chance with Taylor “Screw Me I’m Almost 18” Lautner? I mean look at him! He’s got the tan and the abs and doesn’t look like he lives in a perpetual state of self-loathing. Final question, what is it about neutered vampires that set off so many pre-teen girls?
In the end I cannot hold any of these things against the film however, which is a lot better then it should be, at least more entertaining. The Twilight Saga: New Moon represents a decently paced and involving enough two-hours to justify seeing it, if not with a group of friends or at least with the girl you want who goes absolutely gaga over this shit, then a decent way to pass the time, which is what mainstream, big-budget, Hollywood money grabbers are for. The film represents solid entertainment, have at it.
*** out of ****
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